listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
