Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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