I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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