Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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