im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
