my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
