P.S. I can't hear my feet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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