im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
