he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
