I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
