I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
