I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
