He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
