ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize