onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
