On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
