the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I need a beard to bite.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
