he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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