Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You're a waste of cheezeits
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
