If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
