i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
