I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
