I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize