I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
