I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
