Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
