wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
