I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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