think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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