I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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