We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
