so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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