our cab driver is having phone sex.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize