ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
