i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had to cum in my sink.
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