i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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