her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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