so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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