Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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