I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
