Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
