We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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