I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
