i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
