Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
