ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We need to get me chipped asap
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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