you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
