If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
