At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
