so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
