I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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