It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
