I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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