I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
