I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
