There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
