"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
