I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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