Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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