My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
